Walter Zoomie’s World: 2006 Indy 500 Pictorial - May 28

By Walter Zoomie

Here’s what I think.

It was Africa hot today. Africa hot is a term from the movie Biloxi Blues. That movie was good cinema.

I also think that I am an Effen genius maybe, sorta.

Remember when I said these things a while back?

5-10-2006
Quote:
Sam would sell his new wife to win at Indy, but he may not need to. He’s burning up the track. This might be his year.

5-20-2006
Quote:
Quallies was way cool. Sam “Soul Patch” Hornish won the pole. He is my pick to win the race.

I am like the Kreskin, or something, of Indy and stuff. I am like an insider, almost, and this picture proves it!

Sam Hornish wins the 2006 Indianapolis 500 Mile Sweepstakes Race!!

I told you, didn’t I?

I am amazing, bordering on spectacular!

Today I had to sit next to a fat short hairy ape of a guy in J Stand, and he smelled like he forgot to bathe or something this morning. He encroached on my space due to his lardness. It was kinda gross. Good thing I wore long pants, otherwise I woulda had to feel his simeon-like leg hair up against me. I mighta hurled up my KFC chicken strips if that had happened. Maybe he should have used some of Mrs. Hospenthal’s Secret deodorant, because it is strong enough for a man, but it is made for a woman.

Mrs. Hospenthal did pretty good today. She stayed outta trouble, didn’t make anybody wreck, and she got a top 10 finish again at Indy, I think. For a girl, she’s pretty good at driving racers at Indy. She just might win it all one day soon, I bet.

I watched the race closely, and with my steel trap of a mind I can dissect what I’m seeing and tell all the interested people around me what I think’s gonna happen next.

When Kanaan was chasing down Wheldon I said, “Looky at Danny comin’ outta Four. He’s way high. His car is going away. Kanaan’s gonna eat him up here in a minute! Look how Kanaan’s taking the corner on the inside!”

I say cool stuff like that and everybody around me nods in total agreement, especially when it comes true! I bet they think I’m a spy or something.

I bet I could do color play by play on the TV for Indy racing better than Rusty Wallface, that’s what I think! And I would not bring up NASCAR all the time either. I don’t think Indy fans wanna hear anything about NASCAR. I know I don’t, anyway.

Here’s a photo of a couple of freaks in J Stand today.

Marco almost won the race today, but Sam boatraced him at the finish line. That was kinda cool. Maybe it was so hot that Marco’s Clearasil was melting and running down his face and got into his eyes and he couldn’t see good enough to throw one more block on Sam like he did the previous lap.

I bet the Andrettis are really whining now!

Whenever the announcers would say “Marco,” I’d say “Polo!”, really loud.

I am clever like that, sometimes.

Helio crashed and took out Buddy Rice. That was below average in my book. Two Indy Champs should never crash together in the same wreck in the same turn at the same time.

Indy Champs should smash their racers in seperate incidents because it is more dramatic, and Indy is all about drama.

It looked to me to be Helio’s fault. I think he was hot and tired and thirsty and didn’t really have much more interest in competing in this year’s Indy 500, so he tried a bonehead banzai move and it didn’t work very well either.

I bet Roger Penske is mad at Helio.

Scott Dixon got black flagged for blocking, and that really Effed his chances today, but it’s his own darn fault anyhow. I told you guys that Brian Barnhart doesn’t play games. Now I bet you believe me, don’t you?

Vitor did some wild suicide moves today. I told you he was nuts and fearless. Next time you people might listen to me!

Michael Andretti’s steering wheel display blew a fuse or something, so that’s gonna be his excuse for not winning at Indy again. I guess Mikey’s not much of a wrench or anything. Heck, I can find and replace a busted fuse pretty quick in my Caddy. I wonder what AGR’s problem is? If I was running AGR, I think I would fire the blown fuse finder/changer guy.

Tommy Scheckter destroyed his car and the pit road attenuator and then Jack Lazier hit a piece of the debris and sent it off into the stands. On TV they said nobody in the stands got hurt, but my hate-filled Champ Car buddy says Tony George and Brian Barnhart are keeping the carnage covered up. My friend says hundreds of helpless IRL fans were decapitated, but it’s all hush-hush stuff the IMS wants to keep quiet so that the F1 fans won’t be scared to show up in July.

PJ Chesson got taken out by his dummy team mate, Jeff Bucknum, on the second lap. Both cars were trashed, actually. I bet PJ has already kicked the crap outta Jeff at least twice already. I know I would. I bet Ron Hemelgarn has already fired Bucknum. I bet Carmelo Anthony has already gone all ghetto on Bucknum too.

Little Al ran over a buncha junk that fell off of Jeff Simmons’ sled, then little Al crashed. Then Jeff crashed a little later. Serves him right, the big dope! I bet after the race, Al Jr went over to Jeff, blew cigarette smoke in his face, then kicked his butt hard.

Remember when I said this?

5-27-2006
Quote:
After watching the practice, I decided that the following cars will be blacked flagged by lap 10 of the race:
#88 Airton Dare
#97 Steve Gregory
#61 Arie Lippback Jr.
#98 PJ Jones
#18 Thadeus Medeiros

Why were the cars of Jones and Dare still allowed on the track?

Maybe Brian Barnhart didn’t get the memo, or something.

I should not be ignored, I think.

I think that’s just about all I have to say about the race. It was fun and cool!

This is something I saw this morning on my way in for the race on Georgetown Road.

Freedom of speech is cool, but it can also be VERY annoying, sometimes.

I think I saw more proselytizers than cops on Georgetown Rd Saturday night, but the proselytizers were not thumping drunks like the cops were!

And another thing… I don’t think the Right Reverand Archbishop of Canterbury O’Malia, or whatever the dude’s name is who does the pre-race blessing prayer thingy, should try to jazz up that solemn moment by being cute or sexy by putting in something about “Sugar Ray.”

I mean, if he wants to say something like, “Continue to bless us with Your glorious sunshine, O Lord, but could You turn it down a little?”… That would be cool, but don’t bring up a one eyed ex-boxer or something. It’s got nuthin’ to do with Indy, and it’s just as bad as Steve Tyler from Arrowsmith botching up the National Anthem.

You gotta know what Indy means and the traditions, darnit!

You all remember my Champ Car friend, right? You know… the guy who seethes with hate and rage?

Anyway, he told me after the race that the race was scripted all the way and that Tony George and Brian Barnhart staged all the wrecks and yellows and black flags and fuel hose nozzles getting stuck and broken and punctured tires and everything else that happened so that Hornish could win and the Andrettis would lose again!

And you know what? My CART friend, who is angry and bitter and didn’t stay for the whole race because he is kinda girlie and couldn’t stand the weather, just might have something there.

Hang on a minute and I’ll tell you why I think so.

(A little off topic….but I bet if I told my sullen Champ Car friend’s other enraged Champ car friends that he went to the Indy 500, they wouldn’t like him much anymore because they’d think he was a traitor to Champ Car, or something. Follow me?)

OK… now back to why my irate CART friend might be right about the treachery of Tony George…

After the race, they interviewed Hornish about “how’s it feel?” and “what are your thoughts?” and “what’s the first thing you’re gonna do” and all that rot after winning the Indy 500. In the audio for Sam’s reply to these and other stupid questions, I could distinctly hear the sounds of Indy racers at speed. How does that happen….unless it was a pre-recorded and staged Victory Lane celebration interview? I mean, at the time of the supposed interview, there were no more cars on the track.

I bet Jack Arute and ABC/ESPN recorded the interview two weeks ago after Tony George and Brian Barnhart decided that Roger Penske paid the right amount and that Hornish would win!

I’m so confused now, sorta, probably.

Here is my son after the race in the desolate empty trashed J stand where the cool people were for the race.

While scrounging, he found an intact sixpack of beer, a Mt. Dew, and five beer can coozie cooler type thingies.

Horking abandoned stuff after the race is cool, and having your ten year old son find and bring you free beer is even more cooler, I think.

The Indy 500 is cool and fun and you all should go there as often as you can before you die.

Pretty much.

About Walter Zoomie's World: Walter Zoomie has kindly allowed a number of his entertaining tales of adventure to be published by IndianaRacing.net. You can read more at his official blog: Walter Zoomie's World. Also, be sure to check out the hundreds of fantastic vintage racing photos taken by his father Rick, a former Indianapolis newspaper reporter and photographer.