Walter Zoomie’s World: 2006 Indy 500 Pictorial - May 27

By Walter Zoomie

I will now describe for you my carb day.

I got to the track early and headed straight for the old racer tent by the museum because my hate-filled CART buddy wanted some close-up pictures of that #5 laydown Epperly. He has a friend who is going to build an exact copy of this old racer. So I bet I get to drive it once it’s built because I contributed so much!

After taking the pics of the Epperly, I ran into Gene Crucean. Mr. Crucean is a real photographer who, with his buddy John Mahoney, used to put out Sprint Car Pictorial, which was a cool dirt track racing magazine from way back in the olden days.

Since I’m a racing insider these days, Mr. Crucean knows how important and vital and essential I am. Mr. Crucean and I are going in together on a book deal sorta thing. It is really super special top-secret stuff right now, so I better not say much more about it. Mr. Crucean is paying me in beer. I like the way he thinks.

Gene and I are a lot alike, I think.

This is what the third turn looked like. It was full of people in various stages of drunkenness and nudity.

It was like the old times, except back in the 70s we didn’t play Snoop Dog on our car stereos.

Snoop Dog should never be played at Indy. That’s what I think.

At Indy you should play something from Ted Nugent’s Double Live Gonzo, or you should play nothing at all, I bet.

So then I watched the IRL cars do their last practice before the race. It was very cool, and there are some new paint jobs and sponsors.

After watching the practice, I decided that the following cars will be blacked flagged by lap 10 of the race:

#88 Airton Dare
#97 Steve Gregory
#61 Arie Lippback Jr.
#98 PJ Jones
#18 Thadeus Medeiros

They are all too slow and dangerous to be around for the Indy 500. I am sorry, but that is how I feel. I bet Brian Barnhart is gonna feel the same come race day!

I am a bad and mean blogger.

Here is a gratuitous shot of a cool car.

Even though it is a Ford, it is still cool, I think.

Next on tap, besides more beer, was the IPS Freedom 100. There were no surprises during this event, unless you count the surprising number of beers I was able to consume during its 40 laps!

Wade Cunningham won the race. Way to go Wade!

One compelling story about the Freedom 100 is the story Gene Crucean, a racing journo legend, told me about. I will tell you now the story Gene told me.

Jeff Dodge started the race dead last, 19th. He finished 8th! Good job Jeff!

Jeff is a sprint car hot shoe who won a chance to race at Indy by winning a sprint car race somewhere sometime. Jeff had never driven at Indy. Jeff had never even driven a rear engined racing rig before. Jeff picked off half the field in 40 laps! I’d say Jeff would be a good candidate for a full-time Indy ride before much longer.

Jeff Dodge should take Marty Roth’s place. That’s what I think!

Here’s another off-topic shot of a cool car.

It is a Mopar. Mopars are cool because they are so expensive and rare and hard to work on and they make you cuss a lot more than a GM product. Sometimes, the more difficulter something is, the betterer it is!

That’s what I think.

After the Freedom 100 I was getting tired, and I couldn’t see real good. I had to close one eye while I walked and stuff. That ever happen to you when you get real tired?

The garage area was full of people and corporate types, and the B-24s and Third Blind Mice were getting ready for their concert.

I didn’t feel like doing any of that, so I departed IMS and went over to a buddy’s house. He lives close to the track, so I could sit there and eat cookies and drink beer for a while until I wasn’t tired anymore. After four or five hours, then I went home.

Here is a photo I took of a cool rig.

It is a Chevy Chevelle on the race track!

I bet you didn’t know that I have an old Chevelle too, but my Chevelle doesn’t run and is full of rust and mice nests and stuff. It has rust holes in the trunk floor that are so big you could drop a basketball through them!

It is a nasty Chevelle.

I should get rid of it, or something.

Here is my nasty Chevelle I was telling you about.

Some people talk about “continuation” muscle cars.

Yes. I have one of those.

It is a 1968 Chevelle which continues to sit in my garage and continues to rust a little bit. Pretty much.

I keep hoping a family member will get a brilliant idea to call Chip Foose from the hit TV show Overhaulin’.

One day I will come home from work and I will go to the garage to get a beer, and I’ll notice, much to my horror and chagrin, that my feces-box Chevelle seems to be missing.

I will call the local police, but they will not be of much assistance because they are all in on the scheme to restore my Chevelle and bring it back to its former glory.

One day, I will come home from a hard day’s work with a bad attitude because four-wheelers are driven by ignoramuses, or because it snowed, or something. I will go to the garage to get a beer.

I will notice something way cool sitting in the formerly vacant space where, formerly, my cancerous excrement-box Chevelle had been sitting before it was stolen. It will be my Chevelle… all shiny and pimped out.

I will jump and scream and cry and pump my arms furiously and victoriously in the air, and it will all be caught on tape because there’ll be hidden cameras and stuff.

Then, all the players in this drama will come out. I will high five them, shake their hands, hug them, and probably get a little snot on them. Or something. I might even give some thought, just for a second, about making sweet, sweet, passionate love to them. But I will not do that. I only do that with my wife. I will not explore this particular topic with you people any further…

So then Chip Foose and the mechanics and the film crews and the prankster cops leave. I am now left with a cool car, and a huge bill. I must pay taxes on all labor and material charges incurred for fixing up my Chevelle. Chip Foose leaves no stone unturned an he doesn’t cut corners. Only the best for Chip! I now have a $100,000 ‘68 Chevelle, and no way to pay the taxes on it! I must sell the Chevelle now, but that’s OK.

I didn’t like the low profile bling-bling dub rims anyways, and the paint job looked like it belonged on a circus wagon.

Yes. I think that’s probably how it would all play out.

About Walter Zoomie's World: Walter Zoomie has kindly allowed a number of his entertaining tales of adventure to be published by IndianaRacing.net. You can read more at his official blog: Walter Zoomie's World. Also, be sure to check out the hundreds of fantastic vintage racing photos taken by his father Rick, a former Indianapolis newspaper reporter and photographer.